Not My Finest

I was this.....

My truth today is that I am not quite pleased with myself.  I slipped miserably yesterday and repented for it all night.  There is truly no defense of my actions but there was causation for my words (they were not profane, just angry and wild).  The day started out as usual but ended with a bang!

Usually I try not to get too involved in things that really don’t move me because to me that is a lot of wasted energy but I felt that my small contribution and my calm energy might have kept things under control.  I was working with some highly charged people and I was trying to be the voice of reason; well all of that went out of the window when I was demeaned and disrespected.

In the light of all of the recent events in the world, especially in America, everyone has to be careful of their treatment and respect of one another.  We all have to seek to listen first then be heard, not to put up defenses and attack but to come together to create a common good.  I felt yesterday was an attack!  I was supposed to meet with a group to discuss some concerns and was immediately disrespected and dismissed although the meeting had been scheduled for weeks and I was invited. 

Now what angered me most was not the fact that I was not able to voice my one concern but that the group would not face the parents.  I was not on the defense when I entered the room but promptly became very defensive as the conversation continued.  I left in a huff! Then when I returned to ask a question the very people I was supposed to meet with had been hiding not wanting to face me.  I lost it.  Not my finest hour. 

Definitely not letting my light so shine. 

Certainly not getting an apology.

Surely leaving the wrong impression. 

But at the time I didn’t care.  Later on I regretted it because I feel like this is just what they wanted, something to talk about.  I also felt like the worst was brought out in me.  My goal wasn't to attack but to understand. 



I want to be this...

Although I a thoroughly disgusted with myself for acting like I did, I am reminded of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s words, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”  Sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right. And that is not always going to be pretty, fun, or easy.

I live in a very diverse population that is becoming more so each year.  We have to learn how to handle conflict in a peaceful and professional manner.  We cannot be afraid to face someone because we have differing opinions or views. We have to become more open to hearing criticism in the light of our actions and adjust our behavior or defend our position.  We have to teach our children that we are not always right nor do we get it right all the time but are a work in progress.  We have to respect each other. 

And with that I am done. 

In the meantime…

Keep Walking in Faith!

MiVida

p.s. I am still awaiting my meeting and I hope that it goes much better than the first. I’ll keep you posted. 

Speak to My Heart

Speak to my heart Lord.

I am in a season of confession…..I need healing. 

The Webster’s dictionary defines heal(ing):  to make whole, healthy, or sound/to bring an end or conclusion as conflicts between people or groups, to reconcile, to free from evil, cleanse or purify. 

I need all of these.  I realize that I am the common denominator in all of my situations (I live with me). After reflection I know that it is me, me oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer.  This week,  I had a conversation with a dear sister recently and it truly motivated me to dig deeper into my healing issues.

So Monday, I joined a Morning Prayer group and I found that I miss prayer.  I haven’t been praying the way I used to and it is truly affecting my ability to heal properly; to just get over some stuff.  Not to forget but to forgive for my own sake. 

I have not been connecting properly with the Lord and it is showing.  My conversations with the Lord have been one-sided; me venting my frustrations and then shutting the lines of communication down.  I haven’t heard a word that the Lord has said. I haven’t been still.  I haven’t gotten any direction which I attribute greatly to my ability to accomplish many of the goals that I have set.  Even if you are not a religious person, speaking and listening are important parts of personal growth.  Speak, then listen for an answer (one of my problems).  You might not like the answer but it is helpful in guiding and developing the person you are becoming.

Not only has my lack of true prayer affected my connection to the Lord, it has affected my outward appearance and reflects my inward pain.  I hadn’t realized how much pain I carried within me.  I believe that am truly forgiving and giving but lately I have found that I hold grudges and have become stingy with my time, love, and personal space.  It has not been very pretty. 

I know and believe that the only way to evolve is to confess your fault, repent, and turn.  It’s the turning that has me caught in a loop.  I am in a catch 22 because I know better and definitely want to do better but I am in pain.  There are some areas that are still very sore and are still tender to the touch.  It’s time to deal with those…..

So as I work toward a new me; a refreshing; a new beginning, I have to call on all of you to pray with and for me as I heal and my heart is the perfect place for the Lord to start. It’s not going to be easy but it is needful.  I’ll keep you posted on my progress but I hope you’ll be able to tell.

Keep Walking In Faith…..

MiVida

Growing Up!

I admire people who seem to be all grown up.  Everything just seems to be handled and in place.  They are able to muster up the courage to fight battles and never blink an eye.  They have a solution for everything and offer advice, typically unsolicited.  They are the "grown ups" in our lives.  However, I really think that despite the outward appearance, there is still a child inside.  I don't believe the child in us ever really grows up!

 

Even at my ripe old age, I find that I am constantly growing up.  Often this shocks me because somewhere inside I too still long to be a kid.  I often reminisce about growing up and peer pressure, boy pressure, school pressure.  There are things I both love and loathe about my childhood. Some self inflicted but some were just growing pains.  I am sure all of it has made me into the person I am today.  I had a conversation with someone recently and I commented, "I am grown on my own".  Meaning that I am an individual. I handle my own problems. I reach out when needed but ultimately I am the decision maker and consequence taker.  By golly, I am grown!!!!

 

Sometimes my children seem to think that the rite of passage is determined by a number: 18, 21, 25, etc.  But being a grown up to me is a level of maturity and responsibility.  Taking account for the decisions you have made and either holding your head high or repenting because of a choice.  But in the end owning up to all your stuff.

 

Daily I realize that as the mom, I too have to exemplify a "grown up" stature.  I do understand that I can be wrong, admit it and still be in authority; that I can make a fool of or laugh at myself without losing position; and I can be me, vulnerable, crazy, or quiet without being questioned. 

 

I must give a shout out to my youngest daughter, the CCM (chocolate cheerleading mouse). Take a seat and HOLD YOUR BREATH.......

 

Recently she quit cheer. 

 

Yes, she let go of the love of her life in pursuit of something else. Her decision was entirely her own and a shock to us all.  No more scheduling our lives around practices, meetings, traveling, etc. No more early more travels and late night pick ups. And just what would we do with all the extra money.....?  She grew up enough to make the decision to walk away from something that brought her so much joy, to reach for the unknown!  SHE STEPPED OUT ON FAITH!  And walked away......

 

In her 15 years (almost 16), she has seen me make the hard decisions and be challenged to see what else could be. She has seen the transitions of my life up close and personal and walked with me through the rough times.  She has endured lack and encouraged me that things will definitely get better; yes she has been spoiled but she has also be appreciative.  She has complained but rejoiced as well.  She has been a trouper and sometimes a party pooper but yet she has understood the words "in due time...."

 

Her grown up decision has opened some new doors.  My daughter desires to go to Spelman and with her recently decision, we can schedule her tours and even her summer visits next year.  Her next trip is to Disney World and then to Chicago.  (She has a traveling bug....but she got it honest).  She can do some much need community service and even join another club and expand her experiences.

 

So I conclude that my daughter is also "grown on her own". I am watching her make decisions and be totally secure in the consequences.  I am now the onlooker and I see that she is a leader and a thought provoker; she is my little diamond and faith walker; she is a beautiful lady and a good friend; she is Sydney and she owns it!  No she is not defined as a CCM anymore but this is only a chapter of her life, this girl is on FIRE!  And I love her to life.

 

Keep walking little sister, I see your faith!

 

Mi Vida

 

Flip Flopping

Good Morning All,

As Summer approaches I am on the hunt for a few good pairs of flip flops.  This if course got me to thinking about the word, flip flop.

For those that know me, know that I ruminate on things and will find a deeper meaning in them.  

I thought about flip flip not as some cute little shoes worn in the Summer, but the idea of flip flopping in my decisions and being more sure and secure in what I decide.  

I consider myself very flexible and can adapt to almost any situation but in hindsight I realized that I have flipped flopped on some issues that I should have stuck to my guns.  

In my younger years, peer pressure was all the rage and I dare not go against the grain for fear if standing out; I already had the weird name.  So when we weren't talking to the new girl, although she was cool, I flip flopped and joined the mean girl team. A decision I truly regret and now I detest bullies.

As I graduated high school, I still hadn't found my footing, so being a grown up didn't necessarily mean making adult decisions, so we trouble came, I flip flopped and changed tunes as a method of conflict resolution.  Right or wrong, I had no backbone.

Fast forward to today, I now understand why elderly people get to speak their minds...really they have nothing to lose, no one to impress, and so very sure of who they are.  I'm not quite there yet but I can truly say that my flip flops are now only footwear and not my current method of decision making.

As an adult and parent I am responsible for showing my family that honesty and integrity matter; that truth is always right; that we face problems and issues head on; and that no matter what happens today, tomorrow we get to try again. 

I found that in life, we can choose our direction.  I also realize that we must pray constantly, and wait on open doors to guide our way.  There is no reason to flip flop through life, unless they are cute ones on our feet.

I encourage you to Keep Walking in Faith (even in your Summer of flip flops).

MiVida

Shoes by Fitflop.com found on Zappos.com

Mi Vida is my message

My Life is my message.  Mahatma Ghandi

 

As I slip back into this world of blogging, I realized that I am a little boring.  I would love to have some great exciting things happening to me daily, so I could “Wow” readers with my exploits.  However, I realized that being exciting is costly.  I looked into a trip to skydive…I figured that would be very exciting and it is.  It also cost a whole lot too.  So does hot air ballooning and horseback riding lessons, etc.

So I guess until I hit the Mega-jackpot of something, then I will remain “boring” and excite you with my wordsmith-ing or better yet my life.  Although I am not jumping out of planes or flying across the world to taste exotic foods, I am doing what all of us do well.  I am living my life.

Life is not easy and in everything we do there should be a lesson.  All of us learn something daily.  From our experiences, we associate things with encounter with lessons we have learned.  Some lessons are good, some not so.  I just love this quote, “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” Bernice Reagan Johnson  Many of my challenges...lessons have helped me to be a better me.

Some challenges, I like to call them lessons, make you pause for the cause…but I am a survivor!  What hasn’t killed me has made me stronger! (Thanks Bey and Kelly Clarkston, oh yeah…& Gloria Gaynor, she survived first.) 

I do believe life should be lived to the fullest but it is the small things that make us who we are.  We have people we love and who love us; we have jobs, whether we love them or not, we get up and go there daily to live; and we have an opportunity to improve our current situations by becoming a better us.  Our lives are the messages we send.

If we don’t like the message, we have the power to change it.  We set the tone and can overcome any obstacle because we believe we can.  I am in school because I want to change the course of my career.  I attend church because I believe in a power greater than me. I am a great mother. And so on and so on….

I have so many facets to who I am. I realize something new about me every day.  So this week, think about your life message…What does it say and does it represent the true you.  Start creating your message and sending it out.  It’s your life and you can say whatever you want.  Slip on your favorite shoes and Keep Walking...you have just started your journey.

 

MiVida! (My Life)

Slippers by CitySlips.com

http://www.cityslips.com/collections/frontpage

 

BARE.....

Hi Friends…..I have returned.


This morning is the start of a very new chapter in my life. Returning to writing. For the longest time, I haven’t felt the urge to share my feelings. I felt like it was…is futile. I wasn’t looking for any great revelations or any notoriety, just some open dialogue with other women, moms, friends, ladies who could relate. But so many times, I felt that my words fell on deaf ears/blind eyes. While I received comments occasionally, I desired constant feedback.

• Lesson one…don’t desire feedback.

I didn’t create my blog to vent, rant, or complain, I did it for me. Sometimes just to bare my soul and other times, hopefully just brighten your day. I wanted to be a voice, your voice, your friend, your buddy and myself. Often, that’s just not enough…..or is it.

I recently heard Jay-Z’s song, “ Open Letter”,(yes….I heard it) and I understand why he did it but unlike Mr. Z, I’m not bashing or re-hashing, I’m shifting, gifting, and baring it all…..I’m telling my truth.

In 2011, as my life changed and so did my writing…It mirrored my soul and nothing emerged. I just felt like this piece of paper (pre-typing) BARE. I had/have some great things that were budding in my life during this time but a cloud lingered over me and I just couldn’t shake it. It was like those commercials where the cloud follows the lady and makes her fall into a hole, then with the help of this miracle drug, she emerges and takes back her life….but anybody notice that the cloud is still there. (That commercial cracks me up every time….I always yell” But the cloud is still there”). I am not sure if the people around me noticed or cared that I was under a cloud and to me, that’s the scary part. I started packing on pounds not just physically but mentally and spiritually too. I was carrying too much weight.

The thought of baring it all (naturally or mentally)….UH NEVER. You’ll never get a glimpse of me naked….

• Lesson Two: In order to heal, we have to reveal; bare it all and sometimes be ashamed…Trust me it is very cathartic.

Personally, I hadn’t visited my own blog since December of 2011. As I went out and spoke at conferences around the nation, I cringed every time someone mentioned FaithWithHeels, mostly out of embarrassment and conviction because I had left something I loved; abandoned and alone. I had friends who nudged and encouraged me to get back in stride but I just felt like laying down my keyboard and letting go.

FaithWithHeels has a presence and I HAD to be present to make it work. If I checked out, no one will really notice…right? So as time passed, my guilt about FaithWithHeels waned and I would only discuss FWHs if I was confronted with it. The sad part is, that was one of the most enjoyable times of my life, but other personal issues just clouded the joy in it.

• Lesson Three: Do what you love, even if you are the only one doing it. It doesn’t matter if you love it.

This semester I landed in a social media class and guess what?! First assignment is creating a blog….I guess the Lord isn’t finished with me yet.

• Lesson Four: Don’t run from your calling or destiny…The Lord always has a way of getting you exactly where He wants/needs you to be.

So I return “once again”….and hopefully you are still here. You are waiting to hear from me and boy do I have a lot to share. Some of it is very funny and some will make you stop and stare. Join me on this journey even if it is only for a while but I promise it will be entertaining, exhilarating and engaging….or just plain hilarious.

I’m starting over and baring it all….I’m taking my shoes off and starting fresh….FAITH…with NO Heels.