Not My Finest

I was this.....

My truth today is that I am not quite pleased with myself.  I slipped miserably yesterday and repented for it all night.  There is truly no defense of my actions but there was causation for my words (they were not profane, just angry and wild).  The day started out as usual but ended with a bang!

Usually I try not to get too involved in things that really don’t move me because to me that is a lot of wasted energy but I felt that my small contribution and my calm energy might have kept things under control.  I was working with some highly charged people and I was trying to be the voice of reason; well all of that went out of the window when I was demeaned and disrespected.

In the light of all of the recent events in the world, especially in America, everyone has to be careful of their treatment and respect of one another.  We all have to seek to listen first then be heard, not to put up defenses and attack but to come together to create a common good.  I felt yesterday was an attack!  I was supposed to meet with a group to discuss some concerns and was immediately disrespected and dismissed although the meeting had been scheduled for weeks and I was invited. 

Now what angered me most was not the fact that I was not able to voice my one concern but that the group would not face the parents.  I was not on the defense when I entered the room but promptly became very defensive as the conversation continued.  I left in a huff! Then when I returned to ask a question the very people I was supposed to meet with had been hiding not wanting to face me.  I lost it.  Not my finest hour. 

Definitely not letting my light so shine. 

Certainly not getting an apology.

Surely leaving the wrong impression. 

But at the time I didn’t care.  Later on I regretted it because I feel like this is just what they wanted, something to talk about.  I also felt like the worst was brought out in me.  My goal wasn't to attack but to understand. 



I want to be this...

Although I a thoroughly disgusted with myself for acting like I did, I am reminded of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s words, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”  Sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right. And that is not always going to be pretty, fun, or easy.

I live in a very diverse population that is becoming more so each year.  We have to learn how to handle conflict in a peaceful and professional manner.  We cannot be afraid to face someone because we have differing opinions or views. We have to become more open to hearing criticism in the light of our actions and adjust our behavior or defend our position.  We have to teach our children that we are not always right nor do we get it right all the time but are a work in progress.  We have to respect each other. 

And with that I am done. 

In the meantime…

Keep Walking in Faith!

MiVida

p.s. I am still awaiting my meeting and I hope that it goes much better than the first. I’ll keep you posted. 

Speak to My Heart

Speak to my heart Lord.

I am in a season of confession…..I need healing. 

The Webster’s dictionary defines heal(ing):  to make whole, healthy, or sound/to bring an end or conclusion as conflicts between people or groups, to reconcile, to free from evil, cleanse or purify. 

I need all of these.  I realize that I am the common denominator in all of my situations (I live with me). After reflection I know that it is me, me oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer.  This week,  I had a conversation with a dear sister recently and it truly motivated me to dig deeper into my healing issues.

So Monday, I joined a Morning Prayer group and I found that I miss prayer.  I haven’t been praying the way I used to and it is truly affecting my ability to heal properly; to just get over some stuff.  Not to forget but to forgive for my own sake. 

I have not been connecting properly with the Lord and it is showing.  My conversations with the Lord have been one-sided; me venting my frustrations and then shutting the lines of communication down.  I haven’t heard a word that the Lord has said. I haven’t been still.  I haven’t gotten any direction which I attribute greatly to my ability to accomplish many of the goals that I have set.  Even if you are not a religious person, speaking and listening are important parts of personal growth.  Speak, then listen for an answer (one of my problems).  You might not like the answer but it is helpful in guiding and developing the person you are becoming.

Not only has my lack of true prayer affected my connection to the Lord, it has affected my outward appearance and reflects my inward pain.  I hadn’t realized how much pain I carried within me.  I believe that am truly forgiving and giving but lately I have found that I hold grudges and have become stingy with my time, love, and personal space.  It has not been very pretty. 

I know and believe that the only way to evolve is to confess your fault, repent, and turn.  It’s the turning that has me caught in a loop.  I am in a catch 22 because I know better and definitely want to do better but I am in pain.  There are some areas that are still very sore and are still tender to the touch.  It’s time to deal with those…..

So as I work toward a new me; a refreshing; a new beginning, I have to call on all of you to pray with and for me as I heal and my heart is the perfect place for the Lord to start. It’s not going to be easy but it is needful.  I’ll keep you posted on my progress but I hope you’ll be able to tell.

Keep Walking In Faith…..

MiVida

Hi My name is...

Hi My name is MiVida & I am a hoarder.  Hi MiVida..........

I have been a hoarder for over 42 years now (I am sure I started when I was 1 yrs old).  I took a look around my room yesterday and scared myself.  I often joke that my room is a reflection of what is going on in my head and to tell the truth IT IS SCARY. 

I am prefacing this blog post with these comments....my room is junkie but far from nasty.  When I say junkie, I am finding that deep in the recesses of my psyche, I am a hoarder.  I hold on to things and for the life of me I can't even figure out why I'm keeping them.  Initially I have need for the things I keep but after some time, I just have stuff with no purpose or usefulness.  I have some pretty boxes that have held some knick-knacks that loved ones have given me; some cute gift bags that I re-purpose to give gifts to other people; and some magazines that held articles about some new, innovative thing I felt necessary to save, share, or hold on to.  All of this is just piling up....

It is time to purge.  I often use the excuse that I am too busy, too tired, too bored, too anything to deal with the mounting piles that often land in my room.  I try hard to keep my clutter contained but as with any "hoarder (term used loosely)" it usually spills out into some other room of the house.  My family mumbles about my stuff and usually places it somewhere in back my room. 

Just like a hoarder, some things are really hard to let go of...for no real, valid reason.  I just can't let go.  Recently, I threw a bunch of magazines in the trash and lamented about it for days.  I had read all of them, probably twice, but it was hard to let them go.  I had no need for them, wasn't clipping anything out, just wanted to keep them.

I realized recently, like yesterday, that all of this stuff (my hoard) is making me lose the things I really need.  It is sad when you just brought an item and for the life and love of stuff, you just can't find it, so you buy another.  Something has definitely gots to change!!!! Today!!!!!

Paralleling my life with my room, I find that I hold on to things that are of no real value which in fact clutters my outlook on life.  In the past two or three years, I have held on to things that really have not helped me to personally purge and move on.  I believe that this a learned behavior. 

*I am no medical doctor or psychologist, so don't ever quote me on diagnosis.*

I think we learn how to hoard our feelings very early in life.  As young ladies, expression is considered aggression and having "too strong" opinions or feelings can get you ostracized by the girls around you.  You learn to go along to get along.  And sometimes you get lost.  Most people equate losing friendships with rejection of some sort and can't see that if it's meant to be the Lord will return/restore the relationship. 

I remember as a child wanting to fit in and even when someone hurt my feelings I refused to stand up for myself because I didn't want to lose the friendship.  I would just go along.  As I got older, I realized that I am my own person and that I didn't have to do anything that I did not want to.  This takes some self examination and some time.  Often I find that something still is missing....I still hoard my feelings.

Since then, I have learned that the relationships that I have in my life are there for a reason and that each one is different on purpose.  Relationships evolve and often for the better of both parties.  People develop deep relationships with others and when it is time to let go it is hard to so because of the level of the relationship.  However, in order to grow I have learned to become a woman of YES when it comes to new experiences and let go of some things familiar. 

I also learned that it is important that we allow the past to be the past and look for opportunities for the new.  We learn from the past, we should not live in it.  We can reflect on memories, good or bad, but that should not be our dwelling place.  We do have to take a few moments to understand how we got to the place we are and then make a change to correct the behavior.  We have to let go of the stuff that we hoard internally because it reflects externally and people can see it.

So as of today... and you can hold me to it, I am purging mentally and physically.  I am throwing away some stuff, hanging up all my clothes, straightening out my closets, storing all the winter garb away and making peace with some internal issue and problems that have driven me to the place where I am...Hoarding.  I refuse to hold on to things that are out of my control, should be immediately dealt with, or that I am not responsible for.  I cannot change others, I can only pray for the change in me. 

I am still walking in Faith,

MiVida

Can you Hear Me now...

Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger:

                                                                                                                                    James 1:19

I realize that I am not very good with communication and sometimes my mouth gets me in a lot of trouble.  I have made peace with that…I choose to blame it on technology and society.   All of the gadgetry has made us more insensitive and unable to look someone in the eye and communicate. 

I think that commercial, "Can you hear me now?" is not just funny because we lose connection, but it is funny because even when we hear each other, we don't understand.  We are not communicating.

I did some observational research recently and realized that people just don’t know how to talk to one another.  Everyone has a point and wants to convey it quickly but cannot or will not take time to understand another person’s point of view.  Everyone talks over everyone else, we cannot wait to convey our message, and sometimes don’t even realized the point.  We communicate through text and email but can’t hold a conversation in person. 

I am guilty of having a hard time communicating, especially with those closest to me.  I know what I know, know what I want, and that is the direction I am headed in.  I am guilty of not hearing or seeing someone else’s point of view, or even being myopic in my own thinking.  But I am most guilty of shutting down.  I prefer not to have conversations or communication that is leading me nowhere fast.  I recently discovered that I am horribly guilty of ending conversations fast.  I had a discussion with a friend and we didn’t talk for a while.  We did talk eventually but I had to admit, I just shut down because I prefer not to argue or get angry.  But that is not what the scripture or communication is all about.

Communication:  The imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs. 

Communication isn’t just about the verbal message but also the cues we give one another through are actions and deeds; through the lack of messages; and through our opinions and beliefs.  We all have times when we are quick to speak, slow to hear, and very angry…That’s when communication is needed most. 

I am working on being swift to hear.  Therefore, I am using the technique…”Let me repeat what you said”.  I just want to get it right.  I need to listen more.  Often I make the mistake of misunderstanding what someone is saying just because I am not listening.

I want to hold my tongue.  Therefore, I am using the W.A.I.T. technique…”Why AM I Talking?”.  If it is not valuable then I better keep it to myself.  I am sure my friends will enjoy some peace and quiet for a change. I learned to season my words with Grace and Salt…Grace when I am guiding you in love and salt, when I have to tell you something that may hurt.

And being slow to anger.   I am counting to ten a lot.  Some things are just not worth the energy.  I find that people get so angry over the smallest things and blow up over nothing.  It turns into World War 3 because someone cut in line and the local Panera.  Chillax!  They have thousands of bagels, I promise. (This actually happened today.)

So my goal this week is to speak less, listen more, and chill. Let’s see how this goes….I’ll keep you posted.

Until next week...Keep Walking,

MiVida

Shoes by Nine West ~ ChillPill

 

Flip Flopping

Good Morning All,

As Summer approaches I am on the hunt for a few good pairs of flip flops.  This if course got me to thinking about the word, flip flop.

For those that know me, know that I ruminate on things and will find a deeper meaning in them.  

I thought about flip flip not as some cute little shoes worn in the Summer, but the idea of flip flopping in my decisions and being more sure and secure in what I decide.  

I consider myself very flexible and can adapt to almost any situation but in hindsight I realized that I have flipped flopped on some issues that I should have stuck to my guns.  

In my younger years, peer pressure was all the rage and I dare not go against the grain for fear if standing out; I already had the weird name.  So when we weren't talking to the new girl, although she was cool, I flip flopped and joined the mean girl team. A decision I truly regret and now I detest bullies.

As I graduated high school, I still hadn't found my footing, so being a grown up didn't necessarily mean making adult decisions, so we trouble came, I flip flopped and changed tunes as a method of conflict resolution.  Right or wrong, I had no backbone.

Fast forward to today, I now understand why elderly people get to speak their minds...really they have nothing to lose, no one to impress, and so very sure of who they are.  I'm not quite there yet but I can truly say that my flip flops are now only footwear and not my current method of decision making.

As an adult and parent I am responsible for showing my family that honesty and integrity matter; that truth is always right; that we face problems and issues head on; and that no matter what happens today, tomorrow we get to try again. 

I found that in life, we can choose our direction.  I also realize that we must pray constantly, and wait on open doors to guide our way.  There is no reason to flip flop through life, unless they are cute ones on our feet.

I encourage you to Keep Walking in Faith (even in your Summer of flip flops).

MiVida

Shoes by Fitflop.com found on Zappos.com

BARE.....

Hi Friends…..I have returned.


This morning is the start of a very new chapter in my life. Returning to writing. For the longest time, I haven’t felt the urge to share my feelings. I felt like it was…is futile. I wasn’t looking for any great revelations or any notoriety, just some open dialogue with other women, moms, friends, ladies who could relate. But so many times, I felt that my words fell on deaf ears/blind eyes. While I received comments occasionally, I desired constant feedback.

• Lesson one…don’t desire feedback.

I didn’t create my blog to vent, rant, or complain, I did it for me. Sometimes just to bare my soul and other times, hopefully just brighten your day. I wanted to be a voice, your voice, your friend, your buddy and myself. Often, that’s just not enough…..or is it.

I recently heard Jay-Z’s song, “ Open Letter”,(yes….I heard it) and I understand why he did it but unlike Mr. Z, I’m not bashing or re-hashing, I’m shifting, gifting, and baring it all…..I’m telling my truth.

In 2011, as my life changed and so did my writing…It mirrored my soul and nothing emerged. I just felt like this piece of paper (pre-typing) BARE. I had/have some great things that were budding in my life during this time but a cloud lingered over me and I just couldn’t shake it. It was like those commercials where the cloud follows the lady and makes her fall into a hole, then with the help of this miracle drug, she emerges and takes back her life….but anybody notice that the cloud is still there. (That commercial cracks me up every time….I always yell” But the cloud is still there”). I am not sure if the people around me noticed or cared that I was under a cloud and to me, that’s the scary part. I started packing on pounds not just physically but mentally and spiritually too. I was carrying too much weight.

The thought of baring it all (naturally or mentally)….UH NEVER. You’ll never get a glimpse of me naked….

• Lesson Two: In order to heal, we have to reveal; bare it all and sometimes be ashamed…Trust me it is very cathartic.

Personally, I hadn’t visited my own blog since December of 2011. As I went out and spoke at conferences around the nation, I cringed every time someone mentioned FaithWithHeels, mostly out of embarrassment and conviction because I had left something I loved; abandoned and alone. I had friends who nudged and encouraged me to get back in stride but I just felt like laying down my keyboard and letting go.

FaithWithHeels has a presence and I HAD to be present to make it work. If I checked out, no one will really notice…right? So as time passed, my guilt about FaithWithHeels waned and I would only discuss FWHs if I was confronted with it. The sad part is, that was one of the most enjoyable times of my life, but other personal issues just clouded the joy in it.

• Lesson Three: Do what you love, even if you are the only one doing it. It doesn’t matter if you love it.

This semester I landed in a social media class and guess what?! First assignment is creating a blog….I guess the Lord isn’t finished with me yet.

• Lesson Four: Don’t run from your calling or destiny…The Lord always has a way of getting you exactly where He wants/needs you to be.

So I return “once again”….and hopefully you are still here. You are waiting to hear from me and boy do I have a lot to share. Some of it is very funny and some will make you stop and stare. Join me on this journey even if it is only for a while but I promise it will be entertaining, exhilarating and engaging….or just plain hilarious.

I’m starting over and baring it all….I’m taking my shoes off and starting fresh….FAITH…with NO Heels.