Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Not My Finest

I was this.....
My truth today is that I am not quite pleased with myself.  I slipped miserably yesterday and repented for it all night.  There is truly no defense of my actions but there was causation for my words (they were not profane, just angry and wild).  The day started out as usual but ended with a bang!

Usually I try not to get too involved in things that really don’t move me because to me that is a lot of wasted energy but I felt that my small contribution and my calm energy might have kept things under control.  I was working with some highly charged people and I was trying to be the voice of reason; well all of that went out of the window when I was demeaned and disrespected.

In the light of all of the recent events in the world, especially in America, everyone has to be careful of their treatment and respect of one another.  We all have to seek to listen first then be heard, not to put up defenses and attack but to come together to create a common good.  I felt yesterday was an attack!  I was supposed to meet with a group to discuss some concerns and was immediately disrespected and dismissed although the meeting had been scheduled for weeks and I was invited. 

Now what angered me most was not the fact that I was not able to voice my one concern but that the group would not face the parents.  I was not on the defense when I entered the room but promptly became very defensive as the conversation continued.  I left in a huff! Then when I returned to ask a question the very people I was supposed to meet with had been hiding not wanting to face me.  I lost it.  Not my finest hour. 

Definitely not letting my light so shine. 

Certainly not getting an apology.

Surely leaving the wrong impression. 

But at the time I didn’t care.  Later on I regretted it because I feel like this is just what they wanted, something to talk about.  I also felt like the worst was brought out in me.  My goal wasn't to attack but to understand. 

I want to be this...
Although I a thoroughly disgusted with myself for acting like I did, I am reminded of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s words, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”  Sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right. And that is not always going to be pretty, fun, or easy.

I live in a very diverse population that is becoming more so each year.  We have to learn how to handle conflict in a peaceful and professional manner.  We cannot be afraid to face someone because we have differing opinions or views. We have to become more open to hearing criticism in the light of our actions and adjust our behavior or defend our position.  We have to teach our children that we are not always right nor do we get it right all the time but are a work in progress.  We have to respect each other. 

And with that I am done. 

In the meantime…

Keep Walking in Faith!


p.s. I am still awaiting my meeting and I hope that it goes much better than the first. I’ll keep you posted. 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Speak to My Heart

Speak to my heart Lord.
I am in a season of confession…..I need healing. 
The Webster’s dictionary defines heal(ing):  to make whole, healthy, or sound/to bring an end or conclusion as conflicts between people or groups, to reconcile, to free from evil, cleanse or purify. 
I need all of these.  I realize that I am the common denominator in all of my situations (I live with me). After reflection I know that it is me, me oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer.  This week,  I had a conversation with a dear sister recently and it truly motivated me to dig deeper into my healing issues.
So Monday, I joined a Morning Prayer group and I found that I miss prayer.  I haven’t been praying the way I used to and it is truly affecting my ability to heal properly; to just get over some stuff.  Not to forget but to forgive for my own sake. 
I have not been connecting properly with the Lord and it is showing.  My conversations with the Lord have been one-sided; me venting my frustrations and then shutting the lines of communication down.  I haven’t heard a word that the Lord has said. I haven’t been still.  I haven’t gotten any direction which I attribute greatly to my ability to accomplish many of the goals that I have set.  Even if you are not a religious person, speaking and listening are important parts of personal growth.  Speak, then listen for an answer (one of my problems).  You might not like the answer but it is helpful in guiding and developing the person you are becoming.
Not only has my lack of true prayer affected my connection to the Lord, it has affected my outward appearance and reflects my inward pain.  I hadn’t realized how much pain I carried within me.  I believe that am truly forgiving and giving but lately I have found that I hold grudges and have become stingy with my time, love, and personal space.  It has not been very pretty. 
I know and believe that the only way to evolve is to confess your fault, repent, and turn.  It’s the turning that has me caught in a loop.  I am in a catch 22 because I know better and definitely want to do better but I am in pain.  There are some areas that are still very sore and are still tender to the touch.  It’s time to deal with those…..
So as I work toward a new me; a refreshing; a new beginning, I have to call on all of you to pray with and for me as I heal and my heart is the perfect place for the Lord to start. It’s not going to be easy but it is needful.  I’ll keep you posted on my progress but I hope you’ll be able to tell.
Keep Walking In Faith…..