Thursday, June 27, 2013

Hi My name is...

Hi My name is MiVida & I am a hoarder.  Hi MiVida..........

I have been a hoarder for over 42 years now (I am sure I started when I was 1 yrs old).  I took a look around my room yesterday and scared myself.  I often joke that my room is a reflection of what is going on in my head and to tell the truth IT IS SCARY. 

I am prefacing this blog post with these room is junkie but far from nasty.  When I say junkie, I am finding that deep in the recesses of my psyche, I am a hoarder.  I hold on to things and for the life of me I can't even figure out why I'm keeping them.  Initially I have need for the things I keep but after some time, I just have stuff with no purpose or usefulness.  I have some pretty boxes that have held some knick-knacks that loved ones have given me; some cute gift bags that I re-purpose to give gifts to other people; and some magazines that held articles about some new, innovative thing I felt necessary to save, share, or hold on to.  All of this is just piling up....

It is time to purge.  I often use the excuse that I am too busy, too tired, too bored, too anything to deal with the mounting piles that often land in my room.  I try hard to keep my clutter contained but as with any "hoarder (term used loosely)" it usually spills out into some other room of the house.  My family mumbles about my stuff and usually places it somewhere in back my room. 

Just like a hoarder, some things are really hard to let go of...for no real, valid reason.  I just can't let go.  Recently, I threw a bunch of magazines in the trash and lamented about it for days.  I had read all of them, probably twice, but it was hard to let them go.  I had no need for them, wasn't clipping anything out, just wanted to keep them.

I realized recently, like yesterday, that all of this stuff (my hoard) is making me lose the things I really need.  It is sad when you just brought an item and for the life and love of stuff, you just can't find it, so you buy another.  Something has definitely gots to change!!!! Today!!!!!

Paralleling my life with my room, I find that I hold on to things that are of no real value which in fact clutters my outlook on life.  In the past two or three years, I have held on to things that really have not helped me to personally purge and move on.  I believe that this a learned behavior. 

*I am no medical doctor or psychologist, so don't ever quote me on diagnosis.*

I think we learn how to hoard our feelings very early in life.  As young ladies, expression is considered aggression and having "too strong" opinions or feelings can get you ostracized by the girls around you.  You learn to go along to get along.  And sometimes you get lost.  Most people equate losing friendships with rejection of some sort and can't see that if it's meant to be the Lord will return/restore the relationship. 

I remember as a child wanting to fit in and even when someone hurt my feelings I refused to stand up for myself because I didn't want to lose the friendship.  I would just go along.  As I got older, I realized that I am my own person and that I didn't have to do anything that I did not want to.  This takes some self examination and some time.  Often I find that something still is missing....I still hoard my feelings.

Since then, I have learned that the relationships that I have in my life are there for a reason and that each one is different on purpose.  Relationships evolve and often for the better of both parties.  People develop deep relationships with others and when it is time to let go it is hard to so because of the level of the relationship.  However, in order to grow I have learned to become a woman of YES when it comes to new experiences and let go of some things familiar. 

I also learned that it is important that we allow the past to be the past and look for opportunities for the new.  We learn from the past, we should not live in it.  We can reflect on memories, good or bad, but that should not be our dwelling place.  We do have to take a few moments to understand how we got to the place we are and then make a change to correct the behavior.  We have to let go of the stuff that we hoard internally because it reflects externally and people can see it.

So as of today... and you can hold me to it, I am purging mentally and physically.  I am throwing away some stuff, hanging up all my clothes, straightening out my closets, storing all the winter garb away and making peace with some internal issue and problems that have driven me to the place where I am...Hoarding.  I refuse to hold on to things that are out of my control, should be immediately dealt with, or that I am not responsible for.  I cannot change others, I can only pray for the change in me. 

I am still walking in Faith,


Thursday, June 13, 2013

Growing Up!

I admire people who seem to be all grown up.  Everything just seems to be handled and in place.  They are able to muster up the courage to fight battles and never blink an eye.  They have a solution for everything and offer advice, typically unsolicited.  They are the "grown ups" in our lives.  However, I really think that despite the outward appearance, there is still a child inside.  I don't believe the child in us ever really grows up!
Even at my ripe old age, I find that I am constantly growing up.  Often this shocks me because somewhere inside I too still long to be a kid.  I often reminisce about growing up and peer pressure, boy pressure, school pressure.  There are things I both love and loathe about my childhood. Some self inflicted but some were just growing pains.  I am sure all of it has made me into the person I am today.  I had a conversation with someone recently and I commented, "I am grown on my own".  Meaning that I am an individual. I handle my own problems. I reach out when needed but ultimately I am the decision maker and consequence taker.  By golly, I am grown!!!!
Sometimes my children seem to think that the rite of passage is determined by a number: 18, 21, 25, etc.  But being a grown up to me is a level of maturity and responsibility.  Taking account for the decisions you have made and either holding your head high or repenting because of a choice.  But in the end owning up to all your stuff.
Daily I realize that as the mom, I too have to exemplify a "grown up" stature.  I do understand that I can be wrong, admit it and still be in authority; that I can make a fool of or laugh at myself without losing position; and I can be me, vulnerable, crazy, or quiet without being questioned. 
I must give a shout out to my youngest daughter, the CCM (chocolate cheerleading mouse). Take a seat and HOLD YOUR BREATH.......
Recently she quit cheer. 
Yes, she let go of the love of her life in pursuit of something else. Her decision was entirely her own and a shock to us all.  No more scheduling our lives around practices, meetings, traveling, etc. No more early more travels and late night pick ups. And just what would we do with all the extra money.....?  She grew up enough to make the decision to walk away from something that brought her so much joy, to reach for the unknown!  SHE STEPPED OUT ON FAITH!  And walked away......
In her 15 years (almost 16), she has seen me make the hard decisions and be challenged to see what else could be. She has seen the transitions of my life up close and personal and walked with me through the rough times.  She has endured lack and encouraged me that things will definitely get better; yes she has been spoiled but she has also be appreciative.  She has complained but rejoiced as well.  She has been a trouper and sometimes a party pooper but yet she has understood the words "in due time...."
Her grown up decision has opened some new doors.  My daughter desires to go to Spelman and with her recently decision, we can schedule her tours and even her summer visits next year.  Her next trip is to Disney World and then to Chicago.  (She has a traveling bug....but she got it honest).  She can do some much need community service and even join another club and expand her experiences.
So I conclude that my daughter is also "grown on her own". I am watching her make decisions and be totally secure in the consequences.  I am now the onlooker and I see that she is a leader and a thought provoker; she is my little diamond and faith walker; she is a beautiful lady and a good friend; she is Sydney and she owns it!  No she is not defined as a CCM anymore but this is only a chapter of her life, this girl is on FIRE!  And I love her to life.
Keep walking little sister, I see your faith!
Mi Vida