Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goodbye 2009

I am not MAD at 2009!
Every year ends in a mixture of emotions for those reflecting upon it. 2009 seems to be one of those years. I have heard people emphatically say “goodbye to 2009”. The year has brought to some great joy and to other great pains. The year has seen proposals, weddings and births. It has also witnessed deaths, divorces and devastations.

So much has happened in 2009. This year has taught me to appreciate the life I have been given; to revel in the joys that I have possessed and to be grateful internally and externally for all that God has given unto me. This year I found all of me. The child, who needs some attention and lots of love, the adolescent, desperate to be allowed to be and the adult who deals with the consequences of it all. This year I owned my stuff. I was real to me and to you. I shut my mouth when necessary because everyone doesn’t appreciate my opinion and opened my ears to hear what was and was not being said.

In 2009, I gained my footing and lost some of my defensiveness. I realized that I was sure about being sure and when I wasn’t sure, I know that God was still with me.

No, I am not MAD at 2009 because my shield of faith grew bigger and got stronger. I was able to see the invisible and go hard after with I knew God had for me. 2009 is a year of “No Regrets”. I do not regret the decisions I have made. I do not regret the pain I experienced. I do not regret that I had to go through to get to. I do not regret that God gave me this path. All of this has made me, me. Therefore, I am not mad at all.

I am a little sad to see 2009 leave. The time flew by wayyyy too fast. It was like blinking. 2009, my good friend, opened my eyes to what could be and has guided me. I know that my destination is and will always be my destiny. Nothing can stop the favor of the Lord (I. Houghton) 2009 did not harm me in any way, it helped me my challenging me. 2009 assisted me by shaping my character and confronting me. Yes, 2009 confronting me. I had to deal with me and it wasn’t pretty.

What can I say, 2009 proved to be a friend of mine. 2009 called me out and made me do right. I am not mad at 2009; it only reflected and rehearsed the stuff I had within me. I tried to storm out on 2009, but it kept reminding me that it was still there. Were there times when 2009 made me hold my breath and pout? Yes. Were there times when 2009 didn’t do what I wanted? Yes. Were there times 2009 brought me to the end of me? Yes. There were also times of development, exuberation and sheer delight. Yeah, 2009 is a friend of mine.

In 2009, I realized that God’s grace is always sufficient and that He is always on time. 2009 taught me that He is always in control and when He asks your opinion, it is just that an opinion cuz He is going to do what He must to get you where you need to be.

2009 was “My Time To Shine”. I am one of God’s Stars and His favor was definitely in operation. He gave me favor with Himself and man. He opened up the windows and poured it out. My life will never be the same. I had His protection and purpose and I couldn’t explain it all if I tried.

For me 2009 was so divine. It was and is God’s year of progression. He did do the things that He said He would do and sometimes He did so much more. The things that haven’t manifested yet and still promises and I am holding on to those in Faith because they are still soooo exciting to me.

2009 kept me in line. I prayed more, sought him fervently and definitely leaned upon His word because I needed Him so much more. No, I didn’t become more fanatical but more faithful. Every morning I said “Thank YOU”. EVERY MORNING!!!!!

2009 liberated me. I did open up and allowed others into private areas of my life. Areas that so well protected that even now, I am not sure of what I feel when I discuss them. I shared more about my past, my mother’s death and my trials that I care to relive but I am free. Not that I have ever been ashamed of what happened to me and my family in 1976, I just wasn’t sure about it and I never lived in a place of pity. My mother, rest her soul, is just a blur in my memory. I don’t remember her but I know she loved me so. My life as a “baby hippie” was and is not glam but now I do understand some of my inner stuff. I am a sharer (hippie). I am flowery (hippie). I am loving (hippie). I am natural (hippie). It all makes sense to me. (No I don’t want to live on a commune). It just makes me ever more aware that “Life for me, ain’t been no crystal stair.” (L. Hughes) I can’t brush over the past with broad, beautiful strokes, I learned to deal with it. There are some painful moments “But still I rise.” (M. Angelou). Cause I am a daughter of the King.

2009 gave me a voice. I can dig deep and still find value in hurt and pain. I can look at the traumas of MiVida and still be so joyful because I am still here. I spent some time evaluating the power of my words and I choose when I use them. “I am not afraid of, what I have to pay for”. (J. Scott) Words and actions have consequences so I have to choose wisely and use less of both. I want wisdom when I speak. 2009 taught me to use my voice wisely, especially since it gave me that voice.

In 2009, I gained some new friends and lost some old ones. (Not really lost, they are out there somewhere). I am appreciative of those who are the consummate cheerleaders. Those who are so valuable that I couldn’t list everything that they have done for me, those who cheer so loud that I feel that I am the only one in the race; the ones who will not let me quit until the race is won. These are the friends who believe in me, when I feel that all hope is gone; who allow me to be me and accept that I am a work in progress. I also appreciate those who chose to leave. You made the best decision for us both. While losing you did make me wonder, ponder what happened, it also made me realize that everything in its time. Rejection is never easy but sometimes the rejection is not about you. I made peace with that in 2009. It is just not about me. As fabulous as I am, Everything is not about me. If I hurt you, I am sorry. If I wronged you, I apologize. If it was that devastating that we can’t talk, peace be with you. Because in 2009, I got over me. Did you?

2009 this is a wonderful tribute to you cuz I am a little sad to see you go. Therefore, I salute you and applaud you. You were good to me. You taught me, challenged me and kept me safe. I AM NOT MAD at you because we have always been on the same page. 2009, you are a friend of mine.
*Now can you tell me a little sumpin’, sumpin’ about the new guy (2010). I hear it’s gonna be a doozy.
In the meantime, I'll Keep Walking,


Anonymous said...

Hey MiVida how are you? I was really touched by this article, of course im touched by all your articles but this one has a special place in my heart too. I an sooo proud of you for all you have done with your life. I do know that things have not been easy for you but you have perservered( hope i spelled that rite,lol), you have been through things a lot of old souls have not seen! I was really proud to hear you talk about Koko, i know how long it has been and i cant imagine how it has made you feel all these years. I think about her all the time because when i was a teen, she was my idol! I wanted to be just like her, (and Mama of course) i loved to watch her get dressed in all her latest fashions, cuz the girl could dress her butt off!! I learned how to put on eye liner and masccara by watching her. I thought she was the best!! But i loved her so much and it it still hurts because i truly miss her. But i see so much of her in you and that always takes some of the hurt away for me. All my life i have always prayed that you would have a good life and that God would always watch over you. Well girlfriend, I see my prayers worked! Because you are one of the strongest, proudest, beautiful women that i have ever known, and i am truly blessed to have you as my neice.

Our family has endured a lot of hurt and pain but i really think it has made us stronger. When Mama died, i didnt think i was going to ever feel good again, but with the help of God and my family, and the values that she taught me, i was able to make it thru, although it still hurts so bad when i think of her, but only because i miss her tremendously. I do know that she is in a better place and God is taking care of her and she is still taking care of me. Well, i better go now cuz i dont want to short out the computer with all these tears, but fortunately these are tears joy, joy for having my Mother, my family and most of all my God!

Thanks for the inspiration,
Love you forever,

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness.....why have you not authored a book or books....I thoroughly enjoyed reading I read your passage...i could imagne you actually speaking as though you we were speaking face to face, your arms and hands expressively moving to emphasize each high point. I glided with the contents of each paragraph as a surfer on a smooth wave. My emotions reflected a roller coaster ride. You are an awesome writer. May God continue to Bless the work of your hands.

Enjoy Being Blessed to be a Blessing
Sister Mattie